Live in the Light

Domestic Violence Myths

He was abused as a child. His previous partner hurt him. He abuses those he loves the most. He holds in his feelings too much. He has an aggressive personality. He loses control. He is too angry. He is mentally ill.

He hates women. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment. He has low self-esteem. His boss mistreats him. He has poor communication skills and conflict resolution. There are as many abusive women as men. He is a victim of racism. He abuses alcohol or drugs.

Myth #1: He was abused as a child; therefore, all he needs in order to change is therapy.

Many people, including professionals, commonly believe that the root cause of the abuser’s destructive behavior is the result of the abuse that he suffered as a child. Statements such as, “He calls me those horrible names because his mother said terrible things to him when he was a boy” are common remarks shared by victims. Much research has been conducted to determine if in fact there is a link between child abuse and domestic violence. The research indicates that men who are violent toward other men are often victims of child abuse, however, the connection between men who batter their partners and early childhood abuse is a very weak one (Bancroft 2002). For some abusive men, the blame-the-childhood approach has an additional reason for being appealing; by focusing on what his mother did wrong, he gets to blame a woman for his mistreatment of women (2002). This explanation can also appear convincing to the victim as well. This helps the victim make sense out of his behavior and also gives her someone safe to be angry at—namely herself. Society in general and the field of psychology in particular; has been quick to embrace this myth instead of confronting the tough questions that partner abuse raises. Abuse of women by men is so widespread that, unless people can somehow make it women’s own fault, they are forced to take on a number of uncomfortable questions about men and about much of male thinking (2002). The bottom line, it seems a whole lot easier to lay the problem at the feet of the man’s mother (2002). The one exception is regarding abusers who are brutally physically violent or terrifying toward women. This type of abuser often does have a history of having been abused as a child (2002). Hence, a bad childhood does not cause a man to become an abuser, but it can contribute to making a man who is abusive especially dangerous (2002).

Myth #2: He had a previous partner who mistreated him terribly, and as a result, he now has a problem with women in general.

A man who has been sincerely mistreated in a relationship with a woman will not use that as an excuse to get away with hurting another person. The abuser may describe his previous partner as controlling, not allowing him any freedoms, turning his children against him or even having him arrested out of vindictiveness. Ironically, however, these “complaints” are often the behaviors that he himself inflicted on his victim. But now, he is attributing these “injustices” to his previous partner in order to gain sympathy from the new woman in his life and play the role of the so-called victim.

Myth #3: He’s abusive because he feels so strongly about me. People cause those they care about most deeply the most pain.

Statements such as, “No one else gets me as upset as she does. The things she does really hurt me” are often expressed in abuser support groups (Bancroft, 2002). The abuser is very good at rationalizing his behavior and convincing friends, family and sometimes even professionals that what he is saying is true. Even though there is a kernel of truth in that we all from time to time hurt those we love the most, what does that have to do with abuse? The abuser wants others to believe that feelings cause behavior, but this simply is not true. Although feelings can influence how we wish to act, it is ultimately our choices, attitudes, and habits that govern our behaviors. According to Bancroft, we respond to our emotional wounds based on what we believe about ourselves, how we think about the person who hurt us, and how we perceive the world (2002). Furthermore, it is only in people who have been severely traumatized or are truly mentally ill that behavior can be governed by feelings.

Myth #4: He holds his feelings in too much, and they build up until he bursts. He needs to get in touch with his emotions and learn to express them to prevent those explosive episodes.

This concept has sometimes been referred to as the “Boiler Theory of Men”. The main idea being that men tend to hold feelings inside somewhat like a pressure cooker and when they can no longer hold their feelings in, they explode. This almost sounds convincing until you read the findings that demonstrate that abusive men tend to be much more aware of their feelings than non-abusive men (Bancroft, 2002). Instead, abusers tend to have an exaggerated emphasis on their feelings and are unaware of their partner’s feelings or their children’s feelings. The pressure cooker concept regarding the abuser’s buildup of feelings is actually driven by his lack of empathy for the victim’s feelings. The bottom line is that he explodes when he gives himself permission to do so. This “permission” is driven by his beliefs, attitudes, habits and choices.

Myth #5: He has a violent, explosive personality. He needs to learn to be less aggressive.

The more recent research has demonstrated that the majority of abusive men are fairly calm, easy-going people when they are interacting with anyone other than their partner. The two-sided nature of abusers is a central aspect of the mystery behind this seemingly unrelated behavior (Bancroft, 2002). Furthermore, the societal stereotype of the abuser being an uneducated, blue collar worker is a faulty assumption. This is an unfair stereotype of working class men. Professional, well-educated men have the same likelihood of abusing women as anyone else. Men who abuse women come from all back grounds and all socioeconomic levels. Sometimes the more educated an abuser, the more knots he knows how to tie in his partner’s brain, the better he is at getting her to blame herself, and the slicker is his ability to persuade other people that she is crazy (2002).

Myth #6: He loses control of himself. He just goes wild.

When an abuser is “going berserk”, he may throw things, smash objects and pull phone cords from the wall, just to name a few. The onlooker may be convinced that he is “losing it”. However, this could not be further from the truth. Most often when an abuser is destroying things around him, these items are not important to him. Instead, these objects are typically important to his partner. Likewise, after he is through making a huge mess, it is usually his partner who cleans up after him. If he felt truly remorseful, he would help clean up, but he doesn’t. When questioned as to why he did not, for example, kick his victim in the head after he threw her to the ground and she was lying at his feet, he will reply by saying something like, “I could never do something like that”! Interestingly, abusers almost never do anything that they themselves consider morally unacceptable. Invariably, in the mind of the abuser, he has a justifiable reason to explain his behavior. In short, at the core of the abuser’s belief system is an extremely distorted sense of right and wrong.

Myth #7: He’s too angry. He needs to learn anger-management skills.

All too often when a new client comes to the first abuser support group, he presents to the group that he is there because of “his anger”. This is not true. The abuser is there because of his abuse and not his anger. Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury (Bancroft, 2002). Everyone gets angry from time to time, however, not everyone abuses others because they are angry.

Myth #8: He is crazy. He has some mental illness that just needs to be treated with medication.

Bancroft’s experience working with abusive men over the last 18 years indicates that the majority of abusers have been psychologically “normal”. Their minds work logically; they understand cause and effect; they do not hallucinate (Bancroft, 2002). Their perception of most life situations is reasonably accurate. They tend to do very well at work, school and in other arenas. The problem does not lie within their psychology. The problem is at the core of their value system. It is their value system that is unhealthy, not their psychology. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual TR-IV includes no diagnosis that describes abusive men accurately. Many clinicians will choose to use “intermittent explosive disorder” to diagnose the condition. However, it is Bancroft’s position that this behavior is a choice and not a disorder. If this diagnosis is based solely upon his abusive behavior, then this diagnosis is erroneous. A man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily or entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient (Bancroft, 2002). Furthermore, regarding the use of medication to treat these men is the wrong approach. There is no pill that can turn an abuser into a loving, compassionate, and considerate partner. It will only take the edge off of his absolute worst behaviors and consequently only buy time for his partner. Medication alone will not change the belief system that lies at the heart of the abuser.

Myth #9: He hates women. His mother, or some other woman, must have done something terrible to him.

Although this myth may appear illogical, quite to the contrary, most abusers do not hate women, but rather most have endearing relationships with their mothers, sisters or female friends. Interestingly, a fair number are able to maintain a professional, cordial relationship with their female boss and respect her position, at least as an outward appearance. Disrespect for women appears to be the common denominator amongst abusers. A generally disrespectful attitude can range from those who choose to interact fairly constructively with most women (with the exception of intimate partners) to men who treat women with contempt and an overall sense of superiority. The research indicates that abusive men view their partners as their personal caretakers who are to cater to their needs and are not worthy of being taken seriously (2002). This attitude towards their intimate partners also tends to carry over to their relationship with their daughters as well. The disrespect that abusive men so often direct towards women in general tends to be born out of their cultural values and conditioning rather than personal experiences of being victimized by women (2002). It is important to mention that studies have shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females; but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons (2002). So while a minute percentage of abusive men do hate women, the vast majority exhibits a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and in fact some do not show any indication of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship (2002).

Myth #10: He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.

Jealousy and possessiveness are predominant behaviors for many abusers. However, these behaviors are typically heightened when the victim attempts to leave her partner. Some have mistakenly interpreted this tendency to be a manifestation of an intense fear of abandonment. However, most people, regardless of gender, are afraid of abandonment and may feel a sense of panic, heartbreak or even desperation when a partner chooses to leave them. Imagine, though, what our world would be like if every time one person left another it could result in threatening behaviors, stalking, or murder! Society would be one giant war zone! Research indicates that post separation homicides of intimate partners are committed almost exclusively by men (and there is almost always a history of abuse before the breakup) (Bancroft 2002).

Closely related to the abandonment myth is the belief that abusive men are “afraid of intimacy”. This faulty assumption is an attempt to explain why most abusers mistreat only their partners and also why most are male. According to the theory, the abusive behavior is an attempt to keep his partner from getting close to him emotionally (Bancroft 2002). This behavior is termed by psychologists as mediating the intimacy. However, there are several problems with this theory. First of all, abusive episodes typically occur after a period of mounting tension and not during a moment of closeness and emotional connection. In some cases, an abuser will maintain a consistent state of emotional distance in order to avoid triggering any fears of intimacy they may have, nonetheless, the abuse continues. Additionally, wife abuse occurs in some cultures where there is no expectation of intimacy between a husband and wife, where marriage has nothing to do with emotional connection (2002). Lastly, there are many men who struggle with issues regarding emotional intimacy, yet they do not abuse or control their partners.

Myth #11: He has low self-esteem.

In this section, the theory surrounding the influence of low self-esteem on an abuser’s behavior will be addressed. The research indicates that low self-esteem does not cause an abuser to turn on his partner in a fit of rage or commit other controlling behaviors. Interestingly, the research indicates that in many cases the victim spends a great deal of time trying to massage his ego in a vain attempt to stop his abusive behavior. Quite to the contrary, praising him and boosting his self-opinion only prolongs the next outburst; it does not stop the behavior from happening. An abuser’s focus is on how he is feeling and on his needs being satisfied; therefore, the more the victim pours herself into filling this insatiable pit, the more this is required of her. The self-esteem myth is very rewarding because it gets his partner, his therapist, and others to cater to him emotionally (Bancroft 2002). The privileges are enticing: getting his way most of the time, having his partner bend over backward to keep him happy so he will not explode, getting to behave as he pleases, and to top it off, he gets praise for what a good person he is, and everyone is trying to help him feel better about himself (2002) ! This is not to say that an abuser can not feel remorseful or ashamed after being cruel or frightening to his partner, especially in the case where an outsider has been made aware of what he has done. The distinction lies in the fact that his remorse and shame are the result of his abusive behavior, and not the cause. Hence, abusive behavior is not the product of a hurting self-image. Rather, abusive behavior is the response ensuing from a choice, a belief system about women, and the result of a deep need for power and control. The point to bear in mind is that feelings do not preside over abusive or controlling behavior.

A concluding reflection to consider is the condition of his partner’s self-esteem after being the subject of his prolonged mistreatment. How has his degrading and bullying behavior affected her? Has she suddenly become violent and explosive? Hence, if low self-esteem is not an excuse for her to act out, it should not be an excuse for him either.

Myth # 12: His boss abuses him, so he feels powerless and unsuccessful. He comes home and takes it out on his family because that is the one place he can feel powerful.

Mr. Bancroft describes this myth, “boss abuses man, man abuses woman, woman abuses children, children hit dog, dog bites cat” (2002)! This rationale almost sounds believable. As plausible as it may seem, it is erroneous. In the many years that Bancroft has worked with abusive men, he states that “hundreds of his clients have been popular, successful, good-looking men, not downtrodden looking for a scapegoat for their inner torment” (2002). As a matter of fact, some of the worst abusers are men who are at the very top of the “corporate ladder”. In other words, they are the boss. There is no one, such as a boss, to blame for their behavior. Interestingly, the more power these men possess at work, the more they attempt to exert their power and control at home. Some of these men will attempt to justify their behavior by stating that it is difficult for them to make that “switch” when they get home. So instead of blaming a “mean boss”, they try to use the opposite rationale to explain their actions. However, during Bancroft’s years of experience in working with this population, he has never once seen a client whose behavior at home improved because his job situation improved (2002).

Myth # 13: He has poor communication skills.

It is not that an abuser is unable to act nonabusively; it is that he is unwilling to do so. Numerous research studies have been conducted attempting to determine if the problem is the abuser’s skill deficits regarding communication and conflict resolution. The findings indicate that abusers have normal abilities in communication, conflict resolution and assertiveness when they choose to use them (Bancroft 2002). In the workplace, they typically can get through a tense situation with a boss or coworker without threatening anyone. They are able to deal with potentially challenging situations such as Thanksgiving with relatives without a mishap; they even can openly share their feelings with siblings at the funeral of a close family member. However, they do not want to handle these kinds of potentially stressful situations nonabusively when it involves their partners. An abuser can be equipped with all of the latest innovative communication techniques and still go home and abuse his partner.

Myth #14: There are just as many abusive women as abusive men.

This is not to say that there are not some women who treat their male partners badly by berating them, calling them names or attempting to control them in some other way. In fact, the negative impact on a man’s life can be considerable. There are important questions to consider, however. For example, do we observe men whose self-esteem has been gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men who have walked away from the educational path or an up and coming career with no apparent explanation? This “choice” being the result of constant criticism, undermining and continuous stress. Furthermore, where are the men who are being forced or coerced into having unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters looking for a place to hide? What about the men who when attempting to call the police are body blocked from getting to the phone or the cord is pulled from the wall? The reason we do not see these men is simple: They are rare (Bancroft 2002). Research shows that 94-95% of reported cases of domestic violence are male against female (Hegstrom 2004). For that reason, in this text the abuser will be referred to as male and the victim as female.

Myth #15: Abuse is as bad for the man who is doing it as it is for his partner. They are both victims.

Being the recipient of another person’s abusive behavior is a far worse predicament than being the perpetrator of it. When questioning perpetrators about the status of their significant relationship, one will hear a far different account than the victim describes. Abusers get over the pain of the abuse incident far, far faster than their partners do. Most certainly, abusing one’s partner is not a healthy lifestyle, but the negative impact on the victim such as emotional and physical pain, loss of freedom, self-blame, diminished self-confidence, anxiety, depression and numerous others wane in comparison to any discomfort that the perpetrator may experience. “Unlike alcoholics or addicts, abusive men don’t ‘hit bottom.’ They can continue abusing for twenty or thirty years, and their careers remain successful, their health stays normal, their friendships endure” (Bancroft 2002). Ironically, abusers may actually benefit in many ways from their controlling behaviors. For instance, research indicates that abusers can “usually outperform his victim on psychological tests, such as the ones that are routinely required during custody disputes, because he isn’t the one who has been traumatized by years of psychological and/or physical assault” (2002). Lundy Bancroft, co-director of the nation’s first program for abusive men, states that “No one who listens carefully to the tragic accounts of abused women and then sees the abusers each week at a counseling group, as my colleagues and I have done, could be fooled into believing that life is equally hard for the men” (2002).

Myth # 16: He is abusive because he has faced so much societal discrimination and disempowerment as a man of color, so at home he needs to feel powerful.

A review of the literature demonstrates that a majority of abusers are white men, many of them well-educated and economically privileged (Bancroft 2002). Therefore, discrimination could not be the primary influence when it comes to explaining why partner abuse occurs. Furthermore, if a man has experienced discrimination, is it not just as plausible that it could make him less prone to abusing another person? In other words, couldn’t the result be that he was more sympathetic to a woman’s distress, as indicated for childhood abuse (Myth # 1). As a matter of fact, there are men of color among the most visible leaders in the United States in the movement against the abuse of women (2002). Discrimination against people of color is an extremely serious problem today; however, it should never be accepted as an excuse for domestic violence.

Myth # 17: The alcohol is what makes him abusive. If I can get him to stay sober, our relationship will be fine.

This particular myth is one that many abusers will use in an attempt to explain their abusive behavior. According to Bancroft’s work with abusers for over two decades, he has concluded that alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one (2002). The bottom line is “the only way a man can overcome his abusiveness is by dealing with his abusiveness” (2002). Likewise, the victim is not “enabling” the abuser to mistreat her; he is entirely responsible for his own choices and behaviors. Possessing a clear and accurate understanding of the common myths surrounding an abuser’s mentality is crucial. Nonetheless, in order to successfully assist victims in their healing process, one must also be aware of the effects of domestic violence on her as well as on her children.